intro: the fluidity of thought

IT'S UNFAIR what I've been asking of you.

I've let you make assumptions,

I've been too frustrated with your assumptions to correct them

I have silenced myself and judged you for judging what I do not say

You piece together the clues I give you

and when you do it incorrectly,

who can I blame?

The truth

is that I am deeply thoughtful

but my thoughts are fluid,

an o u t p o u r i n g,

immense torrents, tempests, deep and massive currents...

I am

always willing to test opinions but not particularly opinionated.

I am

too good at seeing both sides,

I see

gigantic pictures,

unreasonably extended consequences,

multiple truths,

over-analyses...

perhaps the calling of a peacemaker.

The truth

is that I let fear silence me

because when I spoke boldly,

my words were counted too concretely,

so I spoke fewer and fewer of my thoughts,

that you might not sediment them on me until I find myself in a sculpture that hides the in-process of my person,

which would soon resemble me not at all...

so I have been giving fewer and fewer clues to what I was thinking,

and now I have discovered that you have no idea

what I am saying or thinking or what I even believe.

So, before I start:

please do not count on anything I write

to be anything beyond momentary thought and revelation.

Hold me accountable for my words,

argue with them, challenge them, bounce your own thoughts off them,

but do not pin them as permanent labels on me.

Rather, change them with me.

I speak to learn,

I learn so that my mind will change,

and you will find that I am readier to understand more

what you think

than convince you otherwise.

I am more interested in discovering TRUTH

than in being [seen as] right.

So beware of my words.

There is a reason I say "I think" and not "I know."

Perhaps, in this world,

ponder

would be a better word for my constant state of mind.

For such a one as me (and perhaps you too?),

who thinks in fragments,

and answers things with more questions than answers,

and becomes less and less sure of her opinions as she learns more,

and fears the permanence of publishing--

my thoughts are in process,

I edit every day,

and the only way to seek perfection

is to test all the imperfections and not to cling to them,

this external processing thing is dangerous business,

but i'm in for a risk

if it helps you and I LOVE each other better,

because that's what I'm about.